The Dark Night and Depression

Depression is a terrible thing it can hit us suddenly when oneday for no particular reason all that we once loved and all that once gave us pleasure no longer does so.

It can also creep up on us if we have suffered a loss or have become stressed by various situations. Depression can take many forms including post natal depression.

There are many aspects to depression one being melancholia another being the longing to escape one's own skin as if your very skin is crawling and you long to run, but how can one run from themselves?

A depressed person becomes introverted, their thoughts can swim in a sea of lostness as our feelings become a dictator. We begin to loathe ourselves and at times wish we had never existed. At other times the depressed person simply wishes to hide and never have to come out again.

With depresssion you feel as if you are drowning in a pit of thick molasses and though yoru soul longs to sing, your mind has forgotten the melody and so you sink further and further into that deep dark pit of despair.

Depression is a serious illness and needs medical supervision. Don't ever try and think you can heal yourself. Do we tell cancer patients to heal themselves? No! Seek help, quickly.

The dark night of the soul is very different though it may at times feel similiar it is not!

A soul that is undergoing this purgation of it's sense's is one that suffers immensely as God's all seeing Gaze fixes His Divine Eye into the very depths of your soul.

There you stand, exposed & naked in the searing heat of the desert as the sun beats down and sears your very flesh. You long for cover, for some place to conceal yourself, yet there is nothing as your soul dries up and gasps for the water of consolations which does not come.

Your senses suffer the exquisite touch of the Divine as you become aware of Natures Glory and see things as if for the first time. You weep at the magnificense of a burnished sunset as it's sweeping panorama opens before your awe struck eyes. You wonder at the beauty of a butterfly as it floats gently by and understand the dignity of the tree that was there before you were born and will remain there long after you have gone.

Your senses are so keenly alive that it becomes an exquisite torture as you realise your own unworthiness and littleness in the Presence of Majesty.

Though the soul is made vulnerable as God opens it's eye to see through a glass darkly. We receive no consolations as our prayers float towards...nothing. We weep and raise our hearts to a God who stands removed from us.

Then comes that insidious voice that tries to tell you that all you have believed is nonsense, 'isnt this lack of feeling a sign that God does not exist? If He exists then why does He not comfort you?' Doubts fill your mind and your heart once again cries out to God only to hear and feel...nothing.

Many who reach this stage cannot withstand the withering holocaust which negates it's senses and so head back to worldly consolations. God loves the soul no less who needs these spiritual elixir's, indeed He loves all equally.

Those souls who are able to persevere do so by standing on Faith alone. They feel no consolations and their souls are a barren landscape of scorched earth, craggy edges and thorny pathways.

It is these souls who through the dreadful night find themselves at the abyss and staring at it courageously they leave feelings behind and embrace..... the dark. They are then enfolded into it's velvety unkowingness and with Trust as it's only guide they walk the lonely pathway to Sainthood.

The difference between depression and the 'dark night' is that while one leads to a longing for negation with it's feelings of self loathing as if their birth were a mistake. A depressed person has a distorted view of itself and the surrounding world whereas a person who is undergoing the 'dark night' has its illusions stripped bare as it faces itself and understands that it is nothing without God.

The dark night instead illuminates the soul to it's nothingness and unworthiness. The soul becomes aware of it's inability to Love as God Loves and with this knowledge we understand that All is Gift..We are made aware tis a fearful thing to stand in the Presense of the Divine and realise we come before Him...empty.

A soul that has been through the dark night does not come out bragging of it's own wisdom or greatness, instead it realises its total unworthiness and how much the soul Owes God and God alone.

Written by Marie

*Note*

For those suffering depression please seek medical advice. For those suffering the 'dark night' please seek the advice of a good Spiritual Director.

Can a Christian Have Depression?

There may come a time where through no fault of one's own, a darkness envelops the soul, leading it into an abyss that seems all consuming. Where the soul thirsts for some relief but there is none to be found, and though you struggle to keep up appearances soon the wall crashes down and one is left, to themselves.

Among Christian communities there is the belief that 'real' Christians don't suffer depression and if they do, the depressed person is then told they 'lack trust in God's Goodness' or that they are 'being punished by God'. These comments arise not out of a willingness to hurt but from ignorance. One is reminded of Job's friends who also said the same thing to him.

Depression is an illness that can strike anyone anywhere and at anytime. It is as if a creeping fog is slowly gaining ground and though you try and remain as busy and as upbeat as you have always been. Soon the fog is at your shoulder till one day you awake and see only the fog. You lose interest in everything around you including your family, the things you once loved to do now seem anathema. It is as if you were on an escalator that only goes downward and cannot be reversed and neither can you jump off. You find yourself trapped.

During these times of the deepest darkness a soul will ever know, all seems as if it were meaningless. Your prayers feel as if they were 'rising up to thin air', you feel no sense of God's Presence or that He is hearing your cries for help. Soon follows the cry 'God where are you and why is this happening to me'? Or more poignantly 'God why have You abandoned me when I need You most', and God remains....silent.

Depression can also be as silent killer as many feel to ashamed to admit they have a problem and where the joy they once took for granted has all but disappeared. As Christians many feel that they cannot speak of this particular illness lest they be thought a 'bad Christian' this is because the inner dictatorial voice is ruling their minds. As a Christian one should always seek out your doctors advice when depression takes hold of your life. During this time of spiritual darkness a good Spiritual Director is also vital.

During the midst of the depression you will often feel that though your soul wants to sing, it feels as if it were trapped in the deepest pit of molasses which is dragging you down to its murky depths. The struggle against this uneven tide exhausts you both mentally and spiritually.

It takes true courage to wake up and face the blackness of another day. Where though your body is alive your soul feels dead and the tired mind longs to simply sleep forever and not wake up.

It is at these times that one must impose mental discipline. The only way out of severe depression is the ingredient of mental discipline and the acknowledgement that you cannot be all things to all people. When a soul is so immersed in darkness, the only voice it hears is one of self criticism and self negation. This inner voice must be stilled and it is the sufferer who must impose sanctions on this most vicious enemy. Rather than 'run with this inner critic' one must exorcise it by imposing restrictions and disciplining your own mind to cease to think in this particular pattern.

This is also where prayer and reading small verses from the Bible will help in the recovery process. Even though the person 'feels' as if its prayers were going into thin air, the Bible states differently and it is this that the soul must cling to. Not on its own reasoning's which have gone awry but on the Promises of God alone!

When a soul is immersed in darkness that not even a star from the sky could pierce its blackened depths, kind words, helpful gestures nor prescriptions will do the work that God can. Though a soul may feel abandoned by God, Scripture which is the Promise of God tells the soul different.

This is why mental discipline is crucial and why a person who is suffering through this agonizing illness needs a mature and wise spiritual director. Only God through persevering prayer and trusting in God's Word can heal the tormented and anguished heart of the sufferer.

For anyone who is suffering depression do not suffer in silence when your soul is screaming for help. To seek help is not weakness it is the first step towards your healing. Take that step one day at a time.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. You were not born perfect, do not punish yourself for your 'perceived' imperfections.

"Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light" -- Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one." (Psalm 139:11-12)

Understanding Suicide

Ron Rolheiser has written an excellent piece about why many people are driven to take their own lives. It is a compassionate look towards those who suffer severe depression on a daily basis.

It is an excellent piece and I hope many will read it and grow in their understanding of depression. Simply CLICK HERE.

Taking a break-Depression

I seem to suffer delayed reaction when it comes to stress and depression. I know many of you who also blog suffer depression and other illnesses such as Bi-Polar and anxiety attacks. For the record for someone did snigger(on her blog) that I was also Bi-Polar, I am not and if I were I would NOT be ashamed of it!

What with my father nearly dying then nursing him these past weeks, I need a break. I will instead concentrate on working on my garden and keeping myself busy by re-studying all my Carmelite Teachings. I am a Third Order Lay Carmelite, I think this will rejuvinate my spirit and wellbeing more than anything else.

Keep me in your daily prayers. Adieu.

May God bless you all abundantly.

Marie

How Do We Handle Depression & Anxiety

Rachel on her blog 'Just Another Day' has been posting on depression. I thought I would take this opportunity to discuss my own philosophy on how I deal with depression daily.

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Dr Frankl well reknowned psychiatrist, who was imprisoned in Auschwitz came to this conclusion, he discovered a link between prisoners loss of faith in the future & a dangerous giving up. He came out believing that "Everything can be taken away from man but one thing: the last of all human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances". Now I am not into `catch phrases' at times they are too glib to what is essentially complex human suffering. To feel abandoned by God is excruciating, it is so painful it is beyond words, we can look to our Lord, " My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"(Matt 27:46).

When I first became ill(with CFS & depression), I was bed ridden for 2 years. I had lost all sense of balance, I also lost the ability to concentrate( I mean I could NOT understand a comic book). The catch phrase I was given, `oh Marie, think positive and you will get better', by the 100th time I heard that I was ready to smack heads!

As Dr Frankl said above and I follow this principle, we can all choose our attitudes to what life throws at us, and at times, we do feel crushed, abandoned and also paralysed by fear, and yes anger! And its ok at times too feel anger, even rage, but what to do with these at times `destructive feelings'? Harness them. Focus these feelings of anger not on yourself but on the illness itself.

Sometimes the greatest obstacles we face is NOT from another but is in fact from oneself, and that is a fact few can face, or recognise. We must NOT allow ourselves to become perpetual victims but instead to understand ourselves in a realistic manner. It is ok to feel vulnerable, it is ok to fail, it is ok NOT to be perfect...It is OK to realise we are broken vessels in need of God. We must accept our frailities and failures and then grow from them.

But in order to cope with depression and anxiety what tools do we use? I can only say what helped me and it was not anti-depressants. These particular medications only made me feel even more tired. One of the first things I did was to stop the FEAR of depression, the next step was to stop being run by my 'feelings'. I had to recognise that by allowing my 'feelings' to run riot I had created a tyrant. In order to overrule this tyrant I learnt mental discipline, and also to negate that negative 'inner voice' that kept taunting me with my own perceived failures. It is seeing things in perspective. So what if I failed at something? Or if a situation turned out badly, would the moon fade away and the sun not rise because of it? No!

Prayer is also essential even if you 'feel' your prayers are going up into thin air, still you persevere, you may NOT enjoy the experience but you persevere. Some days that is all one can do persevere through the joyless day, but not to dwell on the reasons WHY you feel joyless, because there is NO answer. One only has to read the writings of the Carmelite Saints to understand this 'joy' without the 'feeling'.

As I said to a friend, "Depression has now become an wanted friend who outstays their welcome, the type who visit and stay for hours and despite some heavy hints they dont know when to leave? That is what depression is for me now, the friend that doesnt know when to leave...so depression stays but that does NOT mean I stay depressed...NO! Depression is there when I watch a funny show on TV or when I laugh through funny movies..till oneday I notice that depression took the hint and moved away...if it be only a step away."

The only thing I do know is to take those steps one day at a time.....