Thursday, July 19, 2007

Words That Should Exist

Accordinated (adj.) - Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Aquadextrous (adj.) - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (n.) - The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) - The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Burgarcide (n.) - When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Buzzacks (n.) - People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carpetuation (n.) - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Caterpallor (n.) - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Cheedle (n.) - The residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos or any cheese snack.

Choconiverous (n.) - Used to describe a person who bites the head off a chocolate Easter bunny first.

Decaflon (n.) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Deodorend (n.) - The last 1/2 inch of a stick or gel deodorant that won't push up, making the tube good only for underarm lacerations.

Disconfect (v.) - To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics (n.) - The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration (n.) - The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) - An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Frust (n.) - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Grantartica (n.) - The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Intaxication (n.) - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kawashocky (v.) - Pulling into what you thought was an empty parking space, only to discover a motorcycle is parked there.

Kinstirpation (n.) - A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) - An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Mowmuffins (n.) - The accumulated clumps of dried grass on the underside of the lawn mower.

Nocturnuggets (n.) - The deposits you have to rub out of your eyes every morning after a good night's sleep.

Pajangle (v) - Waking up to find your pajamas have turned 180 degrees around while you were sleeping.

Phonesia (n.) - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Prestofrigeration (v.) - When searching for a snack, this is the act of returning to the refrigerator time and again in hopes something new will have materialized.

Pupkus (n.) - The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Scribbobics (v.) - Warm up exercises to get the ink in a pen flowing.

Slackjam (v.) - The act of being stuck in your trousers while trying to remove them without taking off your shoes.

Snackmosphere (n.) - The empty yet explosive layer of air at the top of a bag of potato chips or other snackage.

Spudrubble (n.) - The unclaimed fries that have fallen to the bottom of the fast food sack.

Telecrastination (n.) - The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Zipcuffed (n.) - Trapped in your trousers due to a faulty zipper.