Friday, December 7, 2007

Christmas Eating Tips - LOL

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they are serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it is rare. In fact, it is even rarer than single-malt scotch. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It is not as if you are going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It is a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It is later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That is the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask! If they are made with, skim milk or whole milk. If it is skim, pass. Why bother? It is like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you will need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They are like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you are never going to see them again.

8. Same goes for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, and Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. On the other hand, if you do not like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it is loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you do not feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you have not been paying attention.

Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"